Got breaking Slash news to Tweet? Don’t forget to #slashtag it. #operationslash
Paleontologists have discovered the most badass dinosaur known to man. They named it Slashosaurus Rex. #operationslash
The best way to cool off at Disneyland is to hop on Slash Mountain. Watch out for the steep drop into drugged out rock stardom. #OperationSlash
#OperationSlash: A very stupid personal goal to win the heart and mind of former Guns N’ Roses guitarist Slash on Twitter. A barrage of silly Photoshops are heading his way. Hope he’s prepared to be shocked and awed. Slowly. Over time. With the sole purpose of getting a fleeting retweet.
1. I can run but not walk. Wherever I go, thoughts follow close behind. My parents abandoned me as a child. Was it something I did?
2. Three men are found dead in a cabin at the top of a mountain. Judging solely by my appearance, can you tell that I only have $42 dollars of life savings in my bank account?
3. Give me food, and I will live; give me water, and I will die; give me one good reason why all my colleagues ignore my Facebook party invites.
4. My life can be measured in hours; I serve by being devoured. Thin, I am quick; fat, I am slow. Wind is my foe. Does my son Kevin no longer respect me as a father figure because he witnessed me being severely beaten by his best friend’s dad after a ridiculous third-strike call during a Little League playoff game?
5. What is put on a table, cut, but never eaten? More importantly, is my wife of 15 years cheating on me? Hint: Karen and I haven’t made love in ages and I found another man’s sock in our bed.
6. I’m the part of the bird that’s not in the sky. I’m able to swim in the ocean and yet remain dry. I’m facing divorce and haven’t dated since Junior High. Why do single women in bars go home with misogynistic assholes who bother them with vile pick-up lines rather than nice guys who politely leave them alone to dance with their friends?
7. How can a pants pocket be empty and still have something in it? And, inversely, how can my life be filled with so many blessings, yet I still feel so hollow inside?
8. What can you catch, but not throw? And does the ghost of my dead Grandmother watch me while I masturbate?
1. Yes. I was accidentally conceived when they were both teenagers, thereby ruining the best years of their bright, young lives.
2. Definitely. If the wildly inconsistent length of my self-cut hair isn’t a dead giveaway of my dire financial status, certainly my Payless Shoes are.
3. Hyperhidrosis. It’s a genetic disease that causes me to excessively flop sweat, causing a grotesque stench that many people find unbearable to be around.
4. I think so. Post brawl, my son began telling me to “fuck off” more often. The two must be correlated.
5. Heart says no, suspicious gut says yes. And as much as I want to believe her repeated denial of an affair, my wife stays out “working” awfully late for a part-time elementary school gym teacher.
6. It’s because they have muscles and cool cars, right? Or are they packing major heat below the belt? Not to be too graphic, but I’ll admit it: I’ve measured my “equipment” with several different rulers and compared the averages of these numbers against national data. My genitals are what WebMD would consider “below average.” But what I lack in the lovemaking department, I more than make up for in the cooking, cleaning, and caring department. Do women honestly only care about size and girth? Or is kindness and foreplay more important? Oof. I’m doomed if I enter the dating scene as a divorced 52-year-old man with two kids, aren’t I? Maybe I shouldn’t make a stink about Karen having an affair. Chances are, she’ll eventually come around to loving me again. She’s got to, right?
7. Life is meaningless.
8. God, I hope not. But, if yes, sorry you have to see that Grandma. I swear I don’t look at filthy websites like that often. Say “Hi” to Grandpa for me.
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