“THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS ACCORDING TO YAHOO! ANSWERS”

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Q: Does Santa exist?

Real Yahoo A: “okay, are you like, eight?? Santa Claus is fake. He was originally a Finnish demon who would crash the Christmas parties, and then antagonize the children until they would hand over their presents. then he would go on to the next party. he slowly evolved to a nice old man who would bring the children presents.”

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Q: How does Santa know if you’ve been naughty or nice?

Real Yahoo A: “He taps your phone.”

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Q: Why are Santa’s cheeks so rosy?

Real Yahoo A: “Because he has Rosacea and full-blown diabetes.”

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Q: (asked by username ‘Joe Jonas Is Hot’) Where does Santa live?

Real Yahoo A: “Ok, you know Joe Jonas is hot, but not where Santa is supposed to live? What do you live in a cave with nothing but the Jonas Brother picture up? He’s supposed to live at the North Pole, you stupid fuck-tard!”

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Q: What does Santa get for Christmas?

Real Yahoo A: “Kinky, violent and generally offensive sex……..from the elves.”

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Q: Why does Santa say “Ho Ho Ho”?

Real Yahoo A: “Because he saw you and he’s just pointing out the facts, slut!”

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Q: How does Santa get into houses without fireplaces?

Real Yahoo A: “It’s called breaking and entering. And where I’m from, you can shoot a man for that!”

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Q: How does Santa’s sleigh fly?

Real Yahoo A: “It uses jet fuel. Santa burns about 100 gallons of the stuff every minute because he has to get around the world so fast. I blame him single-handedly for global warming.”

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Q: Why hasn’t Santa replied to my letter?

Real Yahoo A: “He’s probably too busy banging Mrs. Claus to write back to a 40 year old virgin like you!”

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Q: How does santa have enough money to pay the elves & materials to make toys? He doesnt make any profit since he gives all the toys away for free. so where does he get the materials to make the toys? if he buy them then how is he able to afford all the materials? and how is he able to pay the elves to manufacture them? if the elves dont get paid, then are the elves forced slave labor? Can someone explain?

Real Yahoo A: I don’t believe in Santa, but if you put all the toy making process that way, you are making Santa sound bad (I thought he was supposed to be good). If you are desperate to get the answer, here are some possibilities:

1) he stole money from rich and grumpy people.

2) santa himself is stupid rich (pays the elves too)

3) he uses magic

4) he recycles garbage and make new toys from them

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Q: How far and fast does Santa have to travel?

Real Yahoo A: You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for an excuse to post this:

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. 

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’d die a horrible death!

“Awkward Holiday Party Moment”

MAN #1: So, Gary, I only know you as the “IT Guy.” What do you do for fun outside the office? 

MAN #2: I’m a Gigolo.

MAN #1: Oh, Insane Clown Posse, right? That’s so funny. I didn’t know you liked rap-rock. Aren’t you guys supposed to wear clown make-up at all times?

MAN #2: No. That’s a Juggalo. I have sex with men for money.

(20 MINUTES OF AWKWARD SILENCE)

MAN #1: …you try the beef sliders? They’re delicious.

MAN #2: (begins crying)