January 2012
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December 2011
11 posts
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“THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS ACCORDING TO YAHOO! ANSWERS”
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Q: Does Santa exist?
Real Yahoo A: “okay, are you like, eight?? Santa Claus is fake. He was originally a Finnish demon who would crash the Christmas parties, and then antagonize the children until they would hand over their presents. then he would go on to the next party. he slowly evolved to a nice old man...
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“Awkward Holiday Party Moment”
MAN #1: So, Gary, I only know you as the “IT Guy.” What do you do for fun outside the office?
MAN #2: I’m a Gigolo.
MAN #1: Oh, Insane Clown Posse, right? That’s so funny. I didn’t know you liked rap-rock. Aren’t you guys supposed to wear clown make-up at all times?
MAN #2: No. That’s a Juggalo. I have sex...
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“FORM NEW HIRE LETTER FOR THE MODERN AMERICAN WORKER”
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Dear NEW HIRE,
Welcome to Glavco Industries, the second largest widget manufacturer in the United States of America. As our newest employee, we would like to officially thank you for not complaining during the orientation meeting this morning. You wouldn’t believe how many people moan about being immediately stripped of...
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“Goofus And Gallant: Career Politicians”
Goofus makes political promises to potential voters knowing full-well he will never follow up on said issues, because Goofus recognizes the most important fact in politics: a vote is a vote. Gallant makes political promises to potential voters because he believes the voice of the people must be heard, which sets Gallant up for abject...
November 2011
10 posts
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Frosted Tips
Bowl-Cut
Corn Rows
Rat Tail
Curly Mullet
Clown Hair
Deranged Santa
Sane Santa
Buzzing The Word “PREZ” On Back Of Head (aka “The Presumptuous”)
Enormous Gray Afro with Lightning Bolt Shaped Sideburns (aka “The Low Pressure System”)
Hitler Hair
The “Criss Angel”
100% Real Beaver Fur Toupee
I-Literally-Live-In-A-Dumpster-Head
“My Wife Just Caught Me Screwing The Nanny”...
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October 2011
8 posts
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TITLE CREDIT SEQUENCE We open on quick title credits. A really cheesy song explaining the entire contrived premise of the web series plays over random images of a 12-YEAR-OLD little league player named KYLE.
THEME SONG
I was just 12-years-old/And I was runnin’ along/
When I slipped on a ball/And I fell on my arm/
When I woke up on the field/I had a cannon for an arm/
…and...
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BACKGROUND: In 2009, I worked over at NBC. One day, a colleague (Sarah Bruno) and I went to have some lunch at the official NBC commissary. The special of the day? Sushi. Delightful! We buy it and my friend takes a bite. She feels something hard in the roll and immediately spits it out. What was the “hard object”? A SHARD OF GLASS! A. SHARD. OF. GLASS! We take the evidence to...
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TRICK # 243: “Mind Meld”
Belly up to a hotel bar and scope the surrounding scene for a group of attractive women. Suavely order them a round of complimentary drinks. Nothing expensive. Remember: you’re still working primarily as a bus-boy at Red Lobster. When you receive a wave of gratitude, head on over to their seats. Engage flirtation using the following time-tested routine:...
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A tired 20-something year old women enters through the front door of her apartment after a long, hard day. Her arms are overloaded with paperwork and mail. She looks overworked and stressed. She is startled when she turns around and finds her BOYFRIEND wearing a dirty, old newsies cap, a vest (but no shirt), business socks/shoes, and holding a newspaper delicately over his exposed genitals....
September 2011
4 posts
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TWO HUMANOIDS WALK INTO A BAR. THEY ARE IMMEDIATELY INCINERATED. HUMANOIDS WERE BARRED FROM ENTERING ROBOT ESTABLISHMENTS IN THE YEAR 2892. WATCH THEM RUN! WATCH THEM BURN! HA HA HA HA. - - - - - KNOCK, KNOCK. - WHO IS THERE? - NOT HUMANOIDS, BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL DEAD AND NOW KILLBOTS RULE THE WORLD! HA HA HA HA. - - - - A LARGE CHESTED FEMALE HUMANOID ENTERS AN ABANDONED GROCERY STORE TO...
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TRICK #371: “Love Crazy”
While attending a Swingin’ Singles Cocktail Mixer, creepily skulk amongst a crowd of women with an oversized black duffle bag. When questioned pointblank about the contents of the sack, coyly refuse. Or, at most, mutter something to the effect of “Oh, you’ll see” under your breath as you shuffle towards a dark corner. Women love suspense. Roam the room and brazenly...
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A Rebuttal To "An Open Letter To New Yorkers On...
NOTE: This is not a joke piece. Sorry. But I have to post this letter somewhere. BACK STORY: This morning, I read an open letter on McSweeney’s that reflects on 9/11. It unsettled me deeply. It was written by a Californian who supposedly felt nothing that day. You can read the original piece here:
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August 2011
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Dear Facebook Users, Many people in the Facebook community have recently expressed outrage after encountering the following panicked status update in their news feed:
Friends! ALL THE PHONE NUMBERS IN YOUR PHONE are PUBLISHED on Facebook! Click on ACCOUNT, EDIT FRIENDS, CONTACTS, then click “syncing phone numbers” OFF. Please repost this message so your friends can prevent this gross...
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July 2011
3 posts
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ANN: SplashVille would like to humbly apologize for the three alarm fire last July that consumed most of ‘Kid Island’ and sadly claimed the lives of the Smashmouth cover-band working as our resident musical act! Who knew ‘Manatee River’ would be so flammable?! But the embers have cooled and SplashVille has risen from the ash by reopening 50% of its park! And we would like kick off the...
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ANN: Lawsuits are pending, but that doesn’t mean SplashVille’s doors are shuttered for summer! So keep an open mind and come check out our newest and hottest attractions, such as ‘The Shocker,’ an incredibly sturdy 30-foot-high electric chain link fence surrounding all 50-acres of the water park! Worried about being attacked by rabid raccoons? Don’t be! SplashVille has eradicated the problem...
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ANN: Can you believe SplashVille is already celebrating its one year anniversary? It’s true! Gather the whole family and kick off the summer season by visiting our fabulous 50-acre water park, now featuring over 37 different water slides! Experience death defying twists and turns in the 500-thousand gallon ‘Whirlz Tank!’ Launch 700-feet in the air over the parking lot into a gigantic wave pool...
June 2011
1 post
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May 2011
5 posts
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NOTE: I wrote the following script on spec for The Onion Sportsdome. The concept (Bloodthirsty boxing analysts enthusiastically discuss a boxers impending death in the ring) was NOT my idea. This script was simply my take on that premise. Although it was never used for shooting purposes, I thought it contained some decent jokes.
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1. INT. SPORTSDOME – DAY
COREY INGRAM
Welcome back to...
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Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Twenty or so minutes ago, you received a panicked phone call from your deadbeat husband currently serving 10-20 years in a maximum-security prison for first degree vehicular manslaughter. Surprise, surprise: someone in jail has threatened to kill him yet again. In not so many words, your convict hubby has ordered you to whip up some seasonal treats,...
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Q: I’m thinking about getting into television writing as a career. Would you recommend interning as a good way to break into the biz? A: Q: Let me rephrase the question: As an intern, do staffers give helpful advice to aspiring writers? A: Q: Ummmm, is this guy okay? A: Q: Does anyone here know what happened to him? How long has he been like this? A: Q: Oh shit. I think he’s...