A tired 20-something year old women enters through the front door of her apartment after a long, hard day. Her arms are overloaded with paperwork and mail. She looks overworked and stressed. She is startled when she turns around and finds her BOYFRIEND wearing a dirty, old newsies cap, a vest (but no shirt), business socks/shoes, and holding a newspaper delicately over his exposed genitals.
WOMAN
Jesus, Tim! You scared the shit out of me!
BOYFRIEND
(in 1920’s teenage boy newsie voice)
Who’s Tim, ma’am? I’m nuttin’ more ‘den a common newsie! Can I interest you in me papes?
WOMAN
What are you doing? Why are you naked?
BOYFRIEND
Lots of news, I ‘ave, I ‘ave! Truman dropped ‘da bomb, I ‘ears. Sad news. Lot’s ‘o japs dead. Terrible, terrible news.
WOMAN
Ugh, not tonight. I can’t deal with this. I’ve had a Hell of a day.
BOYFRIEND
(breaking character)
Come on. I’m just trying to spice our love life up. You said you were getting bored a few weeks ago. I’m just trying to have some fun. Just play along.
WOMAN
Can I at least put my stuff down and go to the bathroom?
BOYFRIEND
(back in character)
Be amazed if you could find a ‘loo, what with you bein’ a lady an’ all.
WOMAN
What?!
BOYFRIEND
(breaking)
What? Women couldn’t vote. I’m just trying to get into my characters mind…
WOMAN
Okay, that’s it. I’m officially not into this.
BOYFRIEND
(back in character)
Ah, cheer up, dame. It ain’t all bad. Tells ‘ya whats? ‘ow ‘bout I sells you me last papes for half price. Only two pence…
WOMAN
Two pence?
BOYFRIEND
Me mums has turburculosis, sees? Coughin’ all kinds of blood up. Alls I wants to do is try an’ earn enough dough to ‘elp me dyin’ mudda’. ‘Da specks of blood on ‘dis rag is me mums. I ain’t a lia’, I swears. Help a newsie out?
Boyfriend hands gross rag to woman.
WOMAN
Ew, gross. Is this real blood?
BOYFRIEND
Terrible disease it is. Low survival rate. It killed me fahda already…
WOMAN
Okay, stop. I don’t really know why you thought this is going to turn me on, but it isn’t. This is not how you are supposed to “role play.” Just drop it. Put some clothes on. Let’s watch Real Housewives or something and call it a night.
BOYFRIEND
Tough customa’, ‘eh. Tough customa’ indeed. Well, perhaps me boys can turn ya’s around.
WOMAN
Who?
Seemingly out of nowhere, five other semi-nude, random male newsies run into the room carrying nothing but newspapers over their junk. They all have top hats. They erupt into a musical song and dance. The woman is horrified.
WOMAN
(enraged)
What the hell, Tim?!!!
GROUP OF MEN
(singing)
…Try Bottle Alley or ‘da harbor
Try Central park it’s guaranteed….
WOMAN
Who are these people?
GROUP OF MEN
(singing)
Try any bank or bum or barber
They almost all knows how to read…
WOMAN
GET OUT! ALL OF YOU
NEWSIE #3
(coughs large quantities of blood on ground)
Singing abruptly ends.
GROUP OF MEN
(jumping back)
Siiiiiiiick!
NEWSIE #3
TB’s gots me now, boys.
WOMAN
GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! Tim, we’re done!
NEWSIE #4
(breaking)
I was led to believe I’d be paid for this…
WOMAN
(screaming)
GET OUT!
Newsies scramble out.
NEWSIE #5
(on the way out)
You have a lovely apartment.
- - - -
