BACKGROUND: In 2009, I worked over at NBC. One day, a colleague (Sarah Bruno) and I went to have some lunch at the official NBC commissary. The special of the day? Sushi. Delightful! We buy it and my friend takes a bite. She feels something hard in the roll and immediately spits it out. What was the “hard object”? A SHARD OF GLASS! A. SHARD. OF. GLASS! We take the evidence to the head chef who turns out to be the least helpful man in the world. He doesn’t offer a refund. He says some things that are completely shocking. My friend and I leave upset. She wants to send a formal complaint letter. This is my specialty, so I wrote the following note on her behalf. Nothing has been altered. This was the actual note we submitted:
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To whom it may concern:
This afternoon I came into the NBC commissary to report a problem with my food. Specifically, I found a shard of glass in one of my sushi rolls.
While I appreciated reimbursement, which was provided only after I asked, I found the lackadaisical response to the situation disconcerting. Glass found in food is a serious situation. Had I eaten it, my innards would have undoubtedly been “torn to shit” (as my colleague explained to me). I don’t know about you, but I do not want the following phrase engraved on my tombstone: “Here Lies Sarah Bruno: DISEMBOWELED BY SHARD OF GLASS FOUND IN SUSHI.” That death would rank somewhere between “auto-erotic asphyxiation” and “eaten by sand shark”. If you are not a marine biologist, I should explain that sand sharks have no teeth. Embarrassing death would be an understatement.
What was most disappointing, though, was the head chefs response to the situation. Being in the entertainment industry, I will recreate the scene vividly in screenplay format:
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
Head chef evilly runs fingers through food, laughing maniacally.
CHEF
This probably isn’t even glass! IT’S PROBABLY PLASTIC!
Lightning bolts and thunder claps are heard in background.
CHEF (con’t)
HAHAHAHAHA! Now be OFF with you! I have no time for morons.
Chef kills puppy.
END SCENE
Okay, maybe that was a bit revisionist, but he did say it was probably plastic and not glass. Now….I’m not a sushi chef (despite the fact that I wear a name tag that says “MY NAME IS SARAH BRUNO AND I AM A SUSHI CHEF”), but I do believe that PLASTIC shards are not standard to California Rolls.
Knowing that nothing will be done about this situation, I will end with a strongly worded scolding. Shame on you, NBC Commissary. Shame. On. You! I CURSE YOU!
Most sincerely,
Sarah Bruno
