TITLE CREDIT SEQUENCE
We open on quick title credits. A really cheesy song explaining the entire contrived premise of the web series plays over random images of a 12-YEAR-OLD little league player named KYLE.
THEME SONG
I was just 12-years-old/And I was runnin’ along/
When I slipped on a ball/And I fell on my arm/
When I woke up on the field/I had a cannon for an arm/
…and was quickly signed to the Twins/For an multi-million dollar contract/
Now I’m just a kid in the clubhouse!/A KID IN THE CLUBHOUSE!
INT. MINNESOTA TWINS CLUBHOUSE – DAY
A number of professional baseball players sit around shooting the shit, as they normally would. They are not making any effort to prevent profanity. Our protagonist, 12-YEAR-OLD KYLE, sits awkwardly amongst them. He looks super excited to be around his heroes.
PRO MLB PLAYER #1
Shit, I’m hungover. I seriously drank all damned night. I threw up in the bullpen. I can’t even believe I had a “no-no” going for 6 innings. I feel like shit.
A DOCTOR from the Twins organization walks into the room.
DOCTOR
Kyle, may I have a word with you…
12-YEAR-OLD KYLE
Oh, boy! Sure!
INT. MINNESOTA TWINS DOCTORS OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
DOCTOR
Take a seat, Kyle.
12-YEAR-OLD KYLE
Wow! What’s this do?!
An excitable 12-Year-Old Kyle starts playing with the Doctor’s stethoscope.
DOCTOR
Okay, this is exactly the problem. I went through your case file, and it literally makes no sense. It says here you slipped on a ball, broke your arm, and woke up with the ability to throw a 100 mile-an-hour fastball…
12-YEAR-OLD KYLE
I can throw real fast now!
DOCTOR
Oh, I’m not denying that fact, Kyle. It’s the “how” I have an issue with. I went to med-school for 9 years, you understand? I’m not a moron. Summa Cum Laude at Johns Hopkins. I was valedictorian of my class. You can’t pull a fast one on me. It’s physically impossible to tear your rotator cuff and wake up with the ability to gun down the best hitters in the league. Better players than you have had their careers end under similar circumstances: Kerry Wood, Mark Prior, you name it. So I’m gonna ask you point blank: you juicing?
12-YEAR-OLD KYLE
Grape juice?!
DOCTOR
Don’t play dumb with me, you little bastard. The General Manager is paying you, in my opinion, way too much money. And he pays me to make sure his players aren’t doping.
12-YEAR-OLD KYLE
What’s ‘doping’ mean?
DOCTOR
It means you have to piss in a cup, Kyle.
12-YEAR OLD KYLE
Ew, cooties!
DOCTOR
Don’t give me the ‘cooties’ defense. I don’t want to argue. I need you to fill this cup all the way to the line.
The Doctor hands 12-Year-Old Kyle a little plastic cup with a RED LINE near the lip.
12-YEAR-OLD KYLE
But I don’t have to go!
DOCTOR
Don’t care. I have all the time in the world, chief. Just drink some water.
12-YEAR-OLD KYLE
Where’s the bathroom?
DOCTOR
Oh, no. You have to do it in front of me. Gotta make sure you don’t have a prosthetic penis stuffed in your pants filled with some other person’s urine. Sosa pulled that crap on me when I was with the Cubs organization and it almost cost me my job.
12-YEAR-OLD KYLE
(starts crying)
DOCTOR
All day, Kyle. I have alllllllllllllll day. Welcome to “The Bigs,” kiddo…
Doctor kicks back and flips open a magazine.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD ON BLACK: 10 HOURS LATER
INT. MINNESOTA TWINS DOCTORS OFFICE – NIGHT
The Doctor has a visible 5 o’clock shadow. 12-Year-Old Kyle is somehow still brimming with endless energy. DOZENS OF LARGE EMPTY WATER BOTTLES litter the office.
DOCTOR
(enraged)
How is it possible that you don’t have to go? You drank 32 gallons of water and you’re…
Doctor refers to chart.
DOCTOR (CON’T)
4 foot 7, 87 pounds. Where are you getting your stuff from, Kyle? Is it HGH? Cream? Injecting it? What you do? Ship through Cuba? Canada? Mexico?! Who’s your supplier!
12-YEAR-OLD KYLE
Can I watch TV?
DOCTOR
(begins to have a mental breakdown)
You’re playin’ games with me, kid! YOU CAN’T DO THAT TO PEOPLE! DIDN’T YOUR PARENTS EVER TEACH YOU THAT? YOU CAN’T!
Doctor begins smashing things in office.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. GENERAL MANAGERS OFFICE – THE NEXT MORNING
DOCTOR
You’re firing me?! For yelling at a bratty kid?! Ha. What a joke! What an effing joke.
Doctor gets up and begins telling off the organization. As he begins to walk slowly backwards towards the exit, the Doctor points to people sitting off-screen.
DOCTOR (CON’T)
EFF you! And EFF you! I got no beef with you. EFF YOU!
SMASH CUT TO:
END CREDITS SEQUENCE
Title Theme Song plays over credits.
THEME SONG
I was just 12-years-old/And I was runnin’ along/
When I slipped on a ball/And I fell on my arm/
When I woke up on the field/I had a cannon for an arm/
…and was quickly signed to the Twins/For an multi-million dollar contract/
Now I’m just a kid in the clubhouse!/A KID IN THE CLUBHOUSE!
