Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Twenty or so minutes ago, you received a panicked phone call from your deadbeat husband currently serving 10-20 years in a maximum-security prison for first degree vehicular manslaughter. Surprise, surprise: someone in jail has threatened to kill him yet again.
 
In not so many words, your convict hubby has ordered you to whip up some seasonal treats, bake in as much deadly contraband as humanly imaginable, throw on your sluttiest outfit , and get your sweet, fat, apple-bottomed ass down to the prison yard as quickly as possible. Otherwise, his blood will spill and your 9-month-old son will become fatherless.
 
I know, I know — that old story.
 
Time is of the essence, but there’s a problem. Flipping through your rarely touched collection of Barefoot Contessa cookbooks, two things become immediately clear: cooking is incredibly difficult, and, despite your best hopes, there are absolutely no instructions for baking a shiv into a lime flavored cake.

Fear not. We’ve all been there. The best thing you can do in this situation is to keep your cool. That, and grab every sharp tool you have in your garage (you’ll be needing those.)  Because with a little guidance, you too can cook an EASY-TO-BAKE SUMMER TREAT CAPABLE OF HIDING DEADLY WEAPONS WITHOUT AROUSING TOO MUCH SUSPICION FROM MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON GUARDS!

RECIPE #37: DOUBLE LAYERED KEY LIME CAKE with SHARP METAL OBJECT LODGED IN THE MIDDLE



INGREDIENTS:
2 ounces lime juice
2 cups flour
1 egg (or some other glue-type substitute that will hold the cake together)
4 cups sugar
1 sharp metal shard ripped out from the underbelly of your lawn mower

BAKING INSTRUCTIONS:
Mix all that shit together in a bowl. After that step, quit crying. Seriously, stop it. You’re embarrassing yourself. Now pour 2/3rds of that liquid-y slop in a pan. Bake for 2 minutes at 900 degrees. Make sure to utilize the baking time. Throw on some makeup. Fumble through your purse for a cigarette. You deserve it! Now look through your window blinds. You see any cops? Any choppers suspiciously flying around overhead? No? Okay, cool, let’s continue. Remove cake from oven. Firmly shove weapon into the center of the partially baked confection. Cover this object with more mix. Bake 2 more minutes. You’ll know you’re done when the top of the cake is completely burned. After a minute or so of cooling, smear Elmer’s Glue on top of cake to replicate frosting.

Voila! You’ve successfully committed a crime simply by baking! Now here comes the bad news: while smuggling this murder weapon into the “Big House,” there is a slight chance that security metal detectors will go off. In this event, cops might aim their guns at you. We emphasize the word “might.” Just remain calm. Confidence is crucial in this event. Well, confidence, and making sure one of your breasts “accidentally” pops out of your lazily buttoned blouse. Whoops! Clumsy you! Feel free to spice this recipe up by adding a few, improvised, lewd hand gestures. You’ll have no problem sneaking past the guards with these key moves. Good luck! Hope your husband isn’t dead already!

NEXT MONTH’S RECIPE: GINGERSNAP COOKIES with an AJAX/CLOROX/DISH-WASHER-FLUID LEMON ICING