NOTE: I wrote the following script on spec for The Onion Sportsdome. The concept (Bloodthirsty boxing analysts enthusiastically discuss a boxers impending death in the ring) was NOT my idea. This script was simply my take on that premise. Although it was never used for shooting purposes, I thought it contained some decent jokes.
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1. INT. SPORTSDOME – DAY
COREY INGRAM
Welcome back to the Sports Dome. Sad, old gambling addicts are rejoicing over the recent announcement that 52-year-old boxing champ Oscar “What’s His Face” is once again returning to the ring in hopes of recapturing former glory and a $73 paycheck. Boxing enthusiasts are already describing this bout as “the best Tuesday afternoon match Reno, Nevada has seen since last Tuesday’s web-cam hobo fight.” Promoter Don Okem hyped the boxer’s return yesterday afternoon to a group of empty chairs in a Super 8 motel conference room.
2. INT. EMPTY AND SAD LOOKING MOTEL CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
DON OKEM enthusiastically promotes the fight. OSCAR sits to his left. One look at Oscar’s face and you can tell that he doesn’t want to be fighting, but has to for the money.
DON OKEM
Gentlemen, the champ is back! Expectations will be shattered just as much as Oscar’s bones! Osteoporosis has made him sleeker, meeker and weaker than ever. Blood will spill, people! Hemophilia guarantees it! Ha-ha!
Ingram holds the sad-eyed champ’s hand in the air.
3. INT. SPORTSDOME – DAY
COREY INGRAM
The question remains, though: Will this brutal fist fight kill Oscar “Something-er-rather” or simply disappoint fans with just another barbaric and bloody knock-out? Call your doctor and beg for an inhaler script, because we’re heading to the Steam Room for in-depth analysis.
4. INT. STEAM ROOM – DAY
TIM DAVANNON
Welcome back to the Steam Room. Hope you brought a tub of Gold Bond, because this room is steamier than the Amazon Forest. Alongside Adam Branagan, Senior OSN Boxing Analyst, I’m Tim Davannon. Adam, Steam Room club rules dictate two things. No Jews and bring your own towel. You come prepared?
ADAM BRANAGAN
Always, Tim. Always.
TIM DAVANNON
Then let’s get to it. Fans are already digging a six-foot hole for this guy’s body. Are these predictions of savage death premature, or can they start setting up cones for the funeral procession already?
ADAM BRANAGAN
Oh, they can map the route for sure, Tim. Look at the stats. Over his career, Oscar has lost 457 of 623 fights and been knocked out a whopping 432 times. On top of that, the guy’s been pronounced legally dead twice in the last year. Lucky for us, though, paramedics keep reviving him. But he’s a fighter with purpose. He’s got alimony to pay and kids to feed. At 52, the guy has zero applicable job skills and, therefore, a zero percent chance of getting another paying gig prior to this fight. There’s no escaping his impending doom. Boxing fans can rest easy: this guy’s going to die.
TIM DAVANNON
Well, who’s he fighting? Is there a chance he’ll escape the ring?
ADAM BRANAGAN
No way. If 28-year-old Heavy Weight up-and-comer Hank “The Hammer” Jones doesn’t get him, complete renal failure will. Expect bloody stool, nosebleeds, sluggish movements, swelling ankles, seizures, hand tremors and fatigue. In other words, a great fucking fight.
TIM DAVANNON
Whoa, watch the language Adam. We’ve got kids watching.
ADAM BRANAGAN
Sorry about that, Tim. I just can’t wait for this guy to die.
TIM DAVANNON
Well, that begs the question: will doctors or refs interfere? Nothing ruins boxing more than rules, you know that Adam.
ADAM BRANAGAN
Completely understand, but inside sources have assured me that this will not be an issue. The fight is scheduled to take place in the basement of a local Laundromat, far from the eyes of policemen. And they’ve hired the least credible doctor in town: an inflatable sex doll wearing a lab coat. Unless there’s a freak gust of wind in the basement, that doctor won’t signal to stop the fight under any circumstance.
TIM DAVANNON
That’s great to hear. What’s Oscar doing to prepare? Any regimen?
ADAM BRANAGAN
Beyond weeping silently four hours a day in a bathroom? Not too much, Tim. The guy’s made his peace with God. However, his contract stipulates that he needs to go at least four rounds in order to get paid. Word is he’s trained his corner men for a ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ type scenario. If Oscar dies early in the fight, his corner men have been instructed to casually place oversized sunglasses on the corpse, strap themselves to the cadaver’s arms and legs, and dance around the ring until an official check is cut. Smart move if you ask me.
TIM DAVANNON
Indeed. Well, check your watch because it’s time for the Final Steam, Adam. Hope you brought an extra shirt, because you’re about to get sweatier than an obese man at a Bennigan’s all-you-can-eat buffet night.
ADAM BRANAGAN
You know me. I love me some Bennigan’s.
TIM DAVANNON
Gotta’ ask. You’re Oscar. What do you do to make this an entertaining fight?
ADAM BRANAGAN
I eat as much iron as possible leading up to the fight. Let’s not forget, this is a spectator sport. Iron makes the blood a rich red color, much more visible from far away. You want to die like a champ? You do it with spectacular color.
TIM DAVANNON
Last night alive, how do you spend it? With your kids?
ADAM BRANAGAN
Kids? This is boxing, Tim. I get a pile of coke and order prostitutes with money I don’t have and will never have to pay. Maybe eat a lobster off a whore’s tit. That seems luxurious.
TIM DAVANNON
Adam, you always bring class back to boxing. You successfully navigated the booby traps hidden in the Final Steam. Let’s throw it back to Corey at the Sports desk.
5. INT. SPORTSDOME – DAY
COREY INGRAM
Thanks Tim. After the break we’ll ask if God crushed Frank Gore’s spine in order to improve the Pope’s fantasy team.
