ANN: SplashVille would like to humbly apologize for the three alarm fire last July that consumed most of ‘Kid Island’ and sadly claimed the lives of the Smashmouth cover-band working as our resident musical act! Who knew ‘Manatee River’ would be so flammable?! But the embers have cooled and SplashVille has risen from the ash by reopening 50% of its park! And we would like kick off the festivities by honoring our nations heroic firefighters with a $5 dollar discount! Wow! Worried the little ones might have horrific repressed memories? Not a problem! All our ‘Wally The Wiley Whale’ mascots are licensed grief counselors! And, quite frankly, they say the best way to overcome tragedy is to get out and have some fun! So jump on I-23 and make haste for SplashVille! When you see charred trees, you know you’ve reached the spot! (jingle) Splash-Ville! SPLASH-VILLE! HAVE SOME FUUUUUN! (jingle ends)
ANN: SplashVille is under new management and a new name! WaterTown is finally open and would like to emphatically state for the record that our water park has no affiliation with the prior owners of SplashVille, most of whom are currently serving 10-20 years at a maximum security prison for embezzlement, bribery, falsifying safety records, cocaine possession, and gross negligence! That employee gun spree last year? Not our fault! That child who was paralyzed from the waist down after being shot from an illegal ‘Torpedo Cannon’ onto the roof of a parked SUV? Wouldn’t have happened on our watch! Those factories knowingly dumping toxic sludge into the parks water supply? Thing of the past! So disregard the common theme and location and head on down to WaterTown! Just cruise up I-23 until you see funeral wreathes and makeshift memorial graves, as that unfortunately signals you’re in WaterTown! (legal) WaterTown may or may not still contain unusually high levels of mercury and radioactive waste. Patrons should enjoy WaterTown at their own discretion. (legal ends)
