Dear Facebook Users,
 
Many people in the Facebook community have recently expressed outrage after encountering the following panicked status update in their news feed:

Friends! ALL THE PHONE NUMBERS IN YOUR PHONE are PUBLISHED on Facebook! Click on ACCOUNT, EDIT FRIENDS, CONTACTS, then click “syncing phone numbers” OFF. Please repost this message so your friends can prevent this gross invasion of privacy. 

Please accept our sincere apology. We truly value your feedback, and would like to express that this situation is merely the byproduct of miscommunication. Our intentions were, and are, not malicious. Transparency has always been a top priority at Facebook HQ. As such, we would like to openly discuss other notable policy changes you may have recently missed:
 
(1) Facebook reserves the legal right to enter your house during the darkest hours of the night, rummage through your DVD collection, smell your loved ones sexiest undergarments, snap illicit photos of you and your family as you sleep, and share this information with your worst enemies for little to no fee. To shut this feature off, please click ACCOUNTS, PRIVACY POLICY, CUSTOMIZE, STALKING, and switch the “STAY OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE!” button to the ON position. Consider hiding your spare house key in a new location as well. “Under the rock in your garden” is not nearly as clever or safe as you think.
 
(2) Facebook may distort your uploaded photographs in a Photoshop file and sell said images for profit to the highest bidder without compensation or your permission. Your likeness may be used for the following purposes: Advertisements, Bizarre Sexual Fetish Websites, Extorting Senators, Creating Illegal Black Market Passports For Criminals, Promotion Of Up-And-Coming Vietnamese Whore Houses, Branding Ecstasy Tablets, As A Mold For Bank Robbers Rubber Masks, Faking A Person’s Death, Endorsing Sexual Aphrodisiacs Made From The Bones Of Endangered Species, and/or Bland Motivational Office Posters. To block this feature, click ACCOUNTS, PRIVACY POLICY, PHOTOS, USAGE, PHOTOSHOP FUN, YOU ARE SERIOUSLY BEING PARANOID, THINK ABOUT HOW YOU ARE ACTING RIGHT NOW, FINE, WHATEVER YOU WANT,  and then place a check mark next to the box labeled “NOT WITH MY GOD DAMNED FACE, YOU DON’T!” A confirmation email will be sent to you within ten business days. Click the redirect link in the body of this email and follow the complicated onscreen instructions. Finalizing this cancellation process may take anywhere from 1 week to 14 years. Please be patient.
 
(3) Facebook is authorized to use your name, birth date, home address, height/weight/eye color information in order to create phantom investors around the world for the sole purpose of shady investments and the exploitation of questionable tax loopholes. Should the IRS discover our elaborate embezzlement scheme, Facebook would like to kindly remind users that, per our user agreement, you will be singled out as the primary scapegoat for our amoral business practices.
 
(4) Facebook may utilize your “Family Connections” info to send graphic reports of your sexual proclivities to your narrow minded Parents/Grandparents/Siblings/etc. To prevent embarrassment, please send a check for $2,000.00 to our Palo Alto, CA headquarters in a manila envelope emblazoned with the words “STOP RUINING MY LIFE!” in bold, black Sharpie marker. Make checks payable to Mark Zuckerberg, CEO Facebook. Bounced checks will be noted, and said users will be punished accordingly. As a family-friendly company, we’d hate to hear that your dear old Gammy perished after her Toyota Camry “accidentally” careened off the road into a deep gorge. That would be a very sad and very preventable tragedy. Catch our drift?
 
(5) Facebook will publicly share your inner-most inane, private, occasionally criminal/racist thoughts to a broad network of “Friends” regarding your feelings towards jobs/bosses/friends/family members/political policies/food choices/films/TV shows/etc. To prevent this invasion of privacy, open Facebook, type a comment in the “Status Update” box, and when you are prepared to hit the SHARE button, DON’T.
 
Please note: these are standard practices in most User Terms And Agreements contracts. There is no need for concern. No need at all. We are a wholesome company, not some menacing “big brother.” We’re simply a friend that you entrust with every intimate detail of your life, including passwords. What’s so weird about that? Nothing. That’s what. We appreciate your business and look forward to a more transparent relationship in the future.
 
Thanks,
The Facebook Team
 
P.S. You look really, really good right now.